Tuesday, October 6, 2015

A Season for it All

This will be the first time that I publicly announced that my boyfriend, Justin, is right. Go ahead and gloat sweetheart, but kidding aside, Justin came to me with the absolute best advice, and I bet he doesn't even realize how philosophical it was to me.

I've been struggling lately with "out with the old, and in with the new" for lack of a better way of saying it. I want so badly to be normal. And to me, normal was the me before my accident. Normal was comfortably having friends over and enjoying myself. Not, dreading having to see people because of how high my anxiety would get. Normal was falling asleep without even a second thought. Not, anxiously reciting a children's book as part of a bibliotherapy routine to keep from becoming a shrieking mess in the middle of the night. Normal was loving a bear hug. Not, frantically trying to escape the grasps of a loving embrace, because I feel trapped. The list of normals and not normals, goes on and on. To say I am embarrassed of some of my new lifestyles is an understatement.  I mean, what 21 year old reads "Madeline" before going to bed every night? It's not just at home, but with everything. I feel disconnected from old friends. It's as we're no longer on the same level as before. I'm more mature about the realness of life, and that creates a barrier between us. I feel disconnected from God. A disconnection that comes down to not feeling challenged or being fed the Word. I struggle with my routines. I mean, it's been a year, I should be able to sleep without fear grab at my throat. I don't find joy in the things that I use to. Some activities and friendships just feel meaningless to me. Altogether, I have recognized the barrier that my accident has created between the old, "normal" me, and the person I am today. Up until this point I have viciously hated that barrier with a passion.

Then Justin put his two cents in, and it drastically changed my perspective. He quoted Ecclesiastes 3 and said that, "it's just time for a new season." I mulled this over for quite a few days, and then it just kinda hit me. The same way the smell of soap after a hot shower feels refreshing, I felt revitalized when I realized that he's right. There really is a time for everything. And the Word supports that. I need to accept that God has a lot of "new" things going on in my life. Why should I be so upset about it? So what, I read a children's book before bed. Anyone who truly knows me, will remind me to read my books when they tell me goodnight. And it's comforting. It makes me feel connected and less alone. They know what I am struggling with, and they are supportive no matter how childish it may seem. So what, that I don't hang out with all the people I use to. I've met and now work with some of the most amazing women I have ever met. To those ladies at Chambers County Library System, yall are the best! So I feel disconnected from God. Obviously, I recognize what I'm doing wrong in my faith walk, and can change the things I need to, so that I am growing in my Faith. New bible studies or more quiet time really digging into the Word. There's lots of different ways I can become more comfortable with the new me, and the first thing to do is accept that God has a new season starting.

It's rehabilitating to recognize and accept the changes that God is working in my life. I want to encourage you to embrace whatever God may be doing in your life. You never know what He's up to when He puts up that barrier, but it's for the best. Same as always, I've just got to trust in the Lord with all my heart, and not lean on my own understanding. --Shrimpergirl

Ecclesiastes 3; Proverbs 3:5

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